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Sunday, May 04, 2008

Caution: Feeling Sorry for Myself.....

Let's just be honest right out of the gate here, okay? I'm having a really hard time getting back into family life.

Have any of you ever taken a chunk of time for yourself, allowed yourself to dream about only having to think about yourself, been able to just.....THINK without being interrrupted?

Could this be considered Burn Out? Do I even need to say the usual, "Of course, I love my family....blah, blah, blah?" We all know that, but I am really struggling with finding the routine again.

It's possible that I'm just overwhelmed. Spring has a way of doing that to me, you know. Never enough hours, even with the extra few hours of daylight we have now.

Our weather is finally cooperating, although the temps are still cool, the sun has been out quite a bit. Today, my husband found me just lying in the backyard in the sun. Eyes closed, half asleep with both dogs lying next to me, in the sun.

Besides my avoiding the routine and all it entails, the crabbiness has been around too. Short temper, no patience, no tolerance.....that's pretty much been the deal. Do you think this is subconscious? If I'm bitchy enough - they will send me away again!

Nope. No subconscious, no psychological reason, just struggling to get back to the mom/wife role.

Still, the weekend was not a total wash, I did manage to transplant 150 tomato plants, plant lettuce, radishes, pak choi, beets and broccoli in the hoophouse, laid down 4 rows of landscape fabric (of course, all of these jobs are done ALONE) and helped my husband load 3 trailers full of horse poop and spread it on the field. We didn't even kill each other while working together. He's a very patient man, even with snippy women.

Snapping out of this soon might be a good idea though, he's patient.....but that won't last forever.

Can anyone relate? Even though we are all good, loving wives and mothers, once you get the taste of freedom, is it hard to come back and be responsible for everyone again? Most people say they can't wait to get back home. I didn't have that really. Maybe the trip wasn't long enough? Maybe it was too long? Not sure.

As usual, anyone with any advice, I'm all ears.


Ev said...

Heh. Be careful. When I got three contiguous days alone without husband or kids, I finally, honestly, admitted to myself that I was a lesbian. An unfettered mind can be dangerous to domestic harmony.

When you're out doing chores, try to pick around in your head and see where the restlessness comes from.

Anonymous said...

No advice, but a voice of solidarity. I always feel that way. Daily. Sometimes I purposely stay at work an extra hour just because I don't want to deal with what is waiting for me at home. On days when Mr. Clean takes the girls and goes off to do something, I feel a huge sense of freedom/relief and I start to get antsy when I know they are returning.

Like you, I love them with every bit of my heart and soul, but I long for more time to just be me and not their wife and mother.

Madeline said...

Yes. When I go away and finally have time to be the self I am alone (or with adults only) I have a very hard time readapting to being so needed, and to losing my space. I feel downright depressed the week back. Plus, you just did all that, alone this weekend! of course you are tired and crabby. My God, woman, that is a lot of work. Spring on a farm is very challenging. Hang in there.

Trudie said...

I love my SO dearly, but sometimes I can't WAIT for him to go away for a few days so I can be by myself at home... Or, I look forward to 3-day conferences like a small child to Christmas... Just so I can be me without being the provider of all nourishment for my SO, dogs and cats.

Lady, that's an awful lot of work for one weekend! Could that be a reason why you feel like making a run for it?

Erikka said...

a few observations from a single woman (well, an unmarried woman who lives with her man) -

1. perhaps you need a farm apprentice. an intern. someone who could help make some of that work a little more bearable. to do all that alone is stressing in itself. i feel like i hear some bitterness in that capitalized ALONE - so before you get mad or build up resentment at your family, get some help - a free hired hand, if possible.

2. change and learning new things and going new places always disrupt routines, the domestic lives we establish. i don't know how much this is possible for you, but maybe you need to do something like this once every three months, once a month? what ever works for you.

3. if this goes on for more than a few weeks, then I'd be concerned there is something bigger and deeper to look at.

4. hang in there angie.

Mrs. G. said...

Freedom is intoxicating. Give yourself time to get back in the groove. Focus on your next trip alone-and the retirement years.

Angie said...

As usual, thanks to all. Wise, wise women, I tell you.

Yes, I'm taking a few deep breaths, taking time to put my face up in the sun and soak it in, and allowing myself to 'creep' back in to the routine.

Love my life, but life is complicated, isn't it?

Kat said...

Wow, a farm apprentice... now THERE is an idea! I was just talking to a friend of mine in FL today and we were naively fantasizing about living on a farm... my dad actually has one, so I at least have some idea what its like... but YOU could be someone else's escape, you know that? The stuff that is routine to you is a vastly different life to some of us. You could get paid to be someone's "learn to be an organic farmer" holiday. And get help in the bargain. Hey, build your cabin and you could put them up in it too. How clever am I? Or crazy? =)

Angie said...

Ok, Kat - now you have my wheels turnin'! Some crazy twist on what you said could be fun!


Minnesota Matron said...

I know. I can only empathize. Remember that great big beautiful experience you just had? Try to find an hour a day for something that can give you a little of that juju. Make it tiny sound bites.