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Thursday, November 29, 2007

I need your help, wise women.

Ladies? I'm asking for all your womanly, motherly and otherly advice. My poor 17 year old is getting a taste of heartbreak. She has had her first major 'dumping' of her life and isn't handling things well.

She is depressed, crying, not eating (not good for someone who has been treated for an eating disorder), and not sleeping or constantly sleeping.

Of course, all of us remember what this feels like, right? It sucks beyond all suckage and we all know the only thing that heals this hurt, is time.

I've given her all my pearls of wisdom and am thankful she is coming to me for advice and comfort, but I've run out of things to say.

What was the best advice someone gave you when you were in this situation? What things gave you the most comfort and helped you get over 'him' faster?

I admire and respect every one of you that reads this blog and you are all intelligent women, help a sista out, will you?

The only thing worse than feeling this pain is seeing your daughter feel this pain - it sucks.

Thanks in advance for any help you can give me and more importantly, my sweetie.


Erikka said...

Angie, wow, first off, tell your daughter that I said she is GORGEOUS! She is a beautiful girl and there is more life ahead of her. (I know, those words no one wants to hear really) Really, all you can tell her is yes, it sucks. Relate your own experiences of loss to her. Hold her when she cries. Bring her some sort of snack she loves and comforts her! Just let her go through the stages that she needs to go through. Just be there without judgment and that is the BEST thing you can do for her.

The eating issue is a little more tricky, more so if she has had issues with food in the past. I'd say set a time span for which you think it is ok for her to go through that and if and when it passes and there is no change, then speak to her frankly about it. at first I thought back to my experience in this and didn't think I had any eating component, but then I remembered that I did. I had no prior food issues, but when my boyfriend dumped my ass, I just didn't CARE about the normal daily habits I HAD to do. I didn't want to HAVE to do ANYTHING. This did not last more than a few weeks for me, and I did eat during this time, but sometimes, I just didn't want to have to THINK.

In no time, someone will quickly come to help her forget this douche bag who dumped her, though telling her this won't help now.

I didn't really get serious with anyone until I was 21 years old. After a year it ended and I thought I would never love again. At this time, I was living with my best friend and her boyfriend and their just being there helped. No matter if they said anything, or asked about it, knowing I could cry and that they knew, helped. I also wrote a lot in my journal and wrote these angst ridden poems (wow, so high school and I was not even IN high school).

I can't even imagine how weird and difficult it must be to watch your child go through something so hard. Good luck and be strong.

Sadie said...

I can't say anything better than erikka did...I just wanted to express my hopes that she feels better soon! Be there for her, it's the best thing you can do. With a little time she'll feel better.

Monitor her eating, but not hawk-like. Make sure she's getting nourishment of some kind and you'll know in your heart if it's gone beyond heartbreak.

Trust your heart, and it will help heal hers. She's beautiful and will move on to something better when she's ready!!

jenny cook said...

i agree with the ladies above. my cousin (age 17) just went through this same thing this summer. and now - she has a new boyfriend! it takes a bit of time for them to see it, but they will.

in the meantime, if you are worried about her eating - maybe take her out for a special 'girlie' dinner or something. or treat her and some girlfriends out to dinner so she has good buds and her mom to just be with/vent to...

good luck. it is a hard situation knowing they will be fine, but trying to explain it to them when they are dealing with the heartache.

oh and yeah - she is BEAUTIFUL!!!

*~*Cece*~* said...

Aww the poor thing. {{hugs}}

My mom has always told me Things happen for a reason. And as hard as it is to accept that its true. I never thought I'd survive the death of my ex boyfriend just as we were working our way back together. But I made it and look at me now.

Two years ago my sister (21 at the time) her boyfriend, and father of my niece, left her. Not only left her but left her for her "best friend". And MARRIED her too!

Needless to say my sister was crushed. I had to be the one to break the news to her. She was a mess. I took a couple of days off from work to be with her. I'd get up at 5am & find her on my porch drinking a beer & smoking (we lived next door to each other). She lost 60 pounds. She went through a phase of constantly drinking. She was a mess!

At the beginning she cried & cried & cried. After a few days I told her Look, I know you're hurt, you've got every right to, but you need to go through the rest of the motions too. You need to experience anger too! Be MAD at him. I'm only giving you TWO more days of crying and that's it! You HAVE GOT to move to a new emotion b/c this isn't doing ANYTHING for you!

My mom thought I was being mean and impatient w/her but know what? It helped her. It got her out of the feel sorry for me mood and got her to be pissed and get back on her feet.

Two years later she is living with a wonderful guy. She rose from the ashes and realized him leaving her was a BLESSING! The guy is even more of a loser and she's moving up each day that passes. It wasn't easy but she's there. And when I hear her talk about it to our aunts she mentions how I only gave her two more days to cry and how thankful she is that I did that for her.

I don't know if there is anything useful in what I posted her. Hopefully your baby can find some good out of this and it'll make her stronger. Good luck to you both. {{hugs}}

m~ said...

Remember there are natural stages to loss. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. There is not set order or time that one spend in these stages and you can bounce around even after feeling acceptance. The problem arises when you get stuck in a stage. I think you just need to be there for her offering you love, support and understanding. Always keeping an eye on where she is, so that she doesn't get stuck. Good luck and God bless you are in my prayers.

Angie said...

As usual, you women amaze me. Thank you for all your input and for taking the time to be supportive.

Today we returned home from being out of town and Alyson is having a hard night.

No time to go into details, but just wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate your words. You affirmed what I was feeling and let me know that I'm not alone! Blogging is the best thing evah!!

Wow, last day of NaBloPoMo - shit, that went fast.
More tomorrow (with pics) and hopefully less drama - I'm stressed, but feeling warm and fuzzy from all you great gals.

Kat said...

I remember this at 17... time is the best thing... having things to look forward to, and too much to do to mope helps too.... she's beautiful. It won't last long.

MLL said...

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry :-((
You've already gotten such terrific advice. What a wise bunch of readers you have!! As you know, there really aren't any magic words you can say to make this all better. Let her know its OK to hurt and good to grieve, but in the midst of all that, her number 1 focus needs to be on taking care of herself.....physically, emotionally and spiritually. Are there other adults she is close to, or does she have a relationship with a counselor or Dr? Sometimes teens will take that kind of advice from someone in that role better than they'll take it from Mom.
Good luck to everyone, and give her some hugs from me (you don't have to tell her they're from some Internet stranger though :-)


Mrs. G. said...

Oh dear, heartbreak is never easy, is it? It sounds like you are doing all the right things, especially being tuned into all those physical factors that indicate a serious depression.

I would just let her know that you understand how sucky things are for her and keep trying to draw her out...encourage her to get together with friends, watch movies, just generally try to keep busy.

Having been through the whole eating thing with my own girl, I would watch that pretty carefully only because it is so easy to slip back into those behaviors that feel somewhat comforting in dealing with stress.. Don't be afraid to ask her how she's feeling regarding food, stress, etc.

I don't envy you this one. It is not easy to watch those most dear to us suffer. It just plain sucks.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

Nothing anyone ever said to me helped. The only thing that helped was falling in love again, eventually, and learning for myself that I was capable of getting over it, and that I was worthy of being loved...something that you're not so sure about after being dumped.

She'll get there. What she needs most, she already has, in the form of your love and support.

I hope this doesn't trigger her ED. :( Very scary.